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what is this feeling......love

So science say everything we feel,see,hear and smell is just an electrical impulse that gets converted by the brain into something we call a "feeling" or an emotion.....funny word that..."emotion".....there are some eastern cultures that say the first letter of the word really stands for "energy"...and that the energy is energy in motion.....is that correct....is emotion really emergy in motion......you could certainly say that our emotions or our feelings have the power to put into motion....that they have the ability to instantly change our state......a sudden exposure to anything we could conceive as a danger to our life has the power to totally remove whatever we were thinking or feeling about before......fear has the power to completely bring us right into the moment,to focus us and bring our attention to a pin point and place that,pinpoint

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1000 hands

1000 hands holding to each other....no one alone....either sister or brother...
1000 hands circling the sun....pulling together in this star field embrace.....never ending...on going,
enduring.....our never won human race.....

All standing toe to toe....face to face.....for the first time in history...seeing for sure.....
between us...no difference....

All drops in the sea.....crashing this shore....the same from now on...the same as before
Unseen path....from past to present the future is coming.....once a distant drone but soon to be humming....

So walk it with faith,from where ever you find it......
surrender to its power and make sure to be kind to it.

Never let us not deny our mothers fate......she rests in our hands.....on one else's .....we must seek change before its to late.....

For all will be lost...time as we know is a one way gate...

Then gain your solace...learned from history's lesson.......no more wars... hatred....battered down repression.
these are those lessons...

Man must be free to learn of his soul....so as,not to be left out of life....shivering in spiritless cold....
we can rest in the fold of natures busom ....happy with us there...she'd call us her "husband".....

Our shared ring....magnetic resonance......
like the woody,earthy smell....our very own fragrance....

The soil...the peat ....the earth at your feet...the rocks beneath....
still they are above a fiery heath....

So next time your walking out on the sand...
.remember with who it is that you share your clasped hand.

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Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

The masquerade's ball

look in the mirror....see a saint or sinner....?
where is your right....where is your wrong...
be it a fat man or thinner...

look around at all that surrounds...
look inside at all your own grounds...

ask yourself...is this all that there is?...
is there no more to put in this mix...
this massive void...the whole i can't fix...

my zest for life is beginning to return...
i feel a need to grow and  a need to learn...

but what do i need in subject or feed...
poke in the dark to find a lead...

hands open wide...accepting it all...
learning so much...its like I'm in free fall...
it not all good i have to admit...not all this information does easily sit!...
but it is the truth that can be said...
at least now i can look...without feeling dead...

self examination...self education...
ask all the questions that haunt this great nation...
and know when you see it...disinformation...

if your told not to look...its for a good reason...
you comply for a while....turns out its high treason...
you ask all the questions...receive all the answers...
Penny's drop...while viewing the fanciers...

the cryptic puzzle now starts to fit...
as unpleasant as it is...you cant seem to quite...
the more you read...the more you learn...
touched by fire...you start to burn...

a screaming....a rage...you know this feeling...
you'll take to the grave...
one pair of legs...but two paths to take...
which one the truer...it's important...for your souls sake...

to believe the source...would be easy...ignore your mind...
to follow to your nose...sniff in the dirt...examine your find...
both destinations are bad...both very sad...
but do you want to be...
a fool in love who fell  from favour...
or a name on a list who has been had...none of it ever true...this time no saviour...

in the end...there both the same...one way or another it's all been a game...
the only thing is...you didn't realise you were being played...

where to lay blame...who's fault to name...
i did the worst.... i knew the script...
but then...so did you...both were tight lipped...

was it all Lie's...from beginning to end...
a semblance of truth...rehearsed lines... from which to fend...
anyway...even if it's an illness...it doesn't excuse  this behaviour... this to'ing and fro'ing ...
knew from the start where this was going...
all planned out...from the outset...
had the bait...the target to get...
like a badger...pulled from it's set...

tho still i played my part...gave quite freely my torn heart...
was wrapped...enveloped in your masquerade...
at the end it began to fade...

lollie

I never went looking for this!!!

I'm a rubber ball...I'm a rubber ball...
.bounce me off a wall..
.DAMMIT...i wont ever fall....
you know you got some gall...
my engine wont ever stall...

here me echo down your hall...
I'm here on my own...standing tall...
stood on my own...after the fall...
only 5'6"  without clicks...never turned tricks...

my heart it wont ever stop....
beats down to the very last drop...
drop of blood in my veins...
bustin...feelin this disdain...
floating thru my brain....
happy in my insane...

so this chapters closed...
a lil bent is my nose...

took all the crap...
walking thru the dark...
not even a map...

with no map you cant be lost...
no end in sight...no startin point...
round and round...an endless road...
so pound your fists "DAMMIT" and carry your load...


so step back a while...take in the view...
it's clear from here...it's transparent...thru and thru...
i guess i never knew who ever it was posing as you...


take your spade...and dig a lil...
the earth at your feet you already know...
but who knows what lies below...
the more you shovel out of that hovel...
the more you find...of a different kind...
well i never...really are so clever...walking bondless into the heather...

no why...no how...this purse...
an ear from a sow...
clear your mind...clear what beats...
a fleeting interest...left sitting...back row seats...

not to worry...there was no hurry...
there was all the time...grapes on the vine...
always renew....regrow....but never again these seeds to sow...

back away...back right off...
wrap yourself in your invisible cloth...
hide from the world...and all therein...
all the while...without a sin...

there is no more...to close that door...
hear my footsteps fall... into distance...
once and for all...

enveloped in dark...
safe without your spark...
no more hurt...
lie  alone in my dirt...


from the Ashe's...
a phoenix to rise...
to blind again...
shield your eye's...
feel it's heat...
as you walk around...
your eye's on...your feet...
can you hear that sound...

no more walls to walk into...
4am...this time someone else ...a different lean to...
do not text...
do not call...
do not scrawl upon my wall...

no more fingers i have to gnaw...
only stumps...emotionally raw...

hear the blackened crow...in its final "caw"...
plummets from on high...
choosing its time today to die...
lonely...distant...unheard thud...
into the ground...a mist of blood...
happy in its final breath...
lived its life...
a salute to it's death...

no more sorrow...
no more pain...
climb from the bottom...
from there you can only gain...

to live...to love...a hand...a glove...
to learn...to feel...and have it taken...it's a steal...
but if you have nothing...then there's nothing to loose...
so from your neck...remove your noose...

don't hide away...don't do recluse...
touche...forever a truce...

Blackened steeds

Open this space for reason or pace...

stare....black gloss mirror...
...read this reflective face...

how distant this horizon
....this bed of reeds to lie on...

only now to feel a breeze....
only now to kiss what heeds...

a warning to travel far....
a light for a dark star...

waning out in space....
a time without a place...

an empty mind...
a line to find...
ever growing...expansive...
never fully knowing...

to ask a question without reply....
to stare breathless into a slate gray eye...
feelings whirl within me.....feelings of kinship....bondings....lashings....to thrill me

four blackened steeds....a carriage...reflective noir....
an  un-hollow casket....
slowing the road....my steeds bearing load...
trod this path....unknowing near or far....
this destination to be reached....a dug out hovel...
more than soil....filled beyond breach...

i watch cloaked stallions pass...
i cannot help but help but feel their wrath...
time slows...ten seconds...a full day
tears to flow...heavy,thick....earth bound clay...

i do not know this travellers past...
i do not know there faiths or fasts...
there style of exit...christian for sure...
does the style matter from shore to shore...
swings open and closed... does this mortal door...

in a second there gone...my noir steeds...
i can still feel the bearers grip...leather gloves on leather reins...
but no need to pull or control to gain this lead...


tears are gone too...laughter out of the blue..
the path ahead...clear once again...
this knowledge...forever true...

May i have this dance mrs H

A normal day at work....take this...load that....fit the other....yknow....same S£$t different Saturday.so i go to Mrs H's...the jobs not important...Mrs H...she's 85'ish,5'2"....4 stone wet through!..silver white hair...that matches her silver white skin,which is pulled taunt over her forehead and her cheekbone's...a complete contrast to the hanging jowls of loose flesh under her chin,waving like they are about to fall to the floor at any minute..she's talking to me about something..."the last chair was too big...not enough space" but i cant concentrate fully on her words...i find my self transfixed by her eye's and her expressions,her body language....gesturing with open hands...palms up...moving in incomplete outward circles...gives the feeling of....being sorry...like she feels she is a burden...even to me....a two time delivery man who doesn't know her from Adam....or eve for that matter.

..so I'm trying to listen...but taking in more visually,I'm 5'6"...a shorty myself but Mrs h...she 5' 5'2" maybe,she looks so....dwarfed..... by everything around her... me....this room....her house.....her clothes...everything...and like i said i was fixed by her eyes...no real reason i guess...how many  old dears do you see on the "day to day"...there eyes usually looking watery from the cold,sunken...burst red capillaries giving a pinky look to the formerly white....milky fog clouding the iris....and here is the difference...not Mrs H....her whites are white....DAZ white,no fog,no cloud....Mrs H holds you...cuts into you with intensely gray slate eyes..hard...but not cold...the kind of gray that is mixed with an intangible amount of....purple...almost like the slate to be found up on the rolling peaks of skiddaw in the lake district....truly gods back garden...but she looks at you like she's seen and known a thing or two about life...more than you'd like to know and definitely more than you want to ask about...so you listen and you watch...like your about the hear a revelation that never quite reaches your ears..

..apart from her eye's she's so frail...a skeleton wrapped in low quality tissue paper...the kind you used to find at school that never even came close to drying your hands before ripping apart seemingly  at the mere threat of a drop of water....,Mrs H....her shoulders and collar bones seeming to stick out from beneath her knitted cream cardigan with it's fake pearl buttons....and it's "it almost fits appearance"....she walk toward you slowly...shuffling little footsteps...shuffling little feet..."i don't go out these days" she tells you..."haven't been out for years"..."not since my husband died,2 years back"..."just me ...me and my son now"...and the penny drops...loss...that's what she seems full of...loss...and you snap back...hearing her word for what feels like the first time.

..she seems despondent...like she gave up...years ago ..her hands still palm up..still those small outward circles like she could stir her life back to the way it might once have been....her son,is sat behind her,crammed into a corner that is too small for a man of his stature,well the stature he may once have had...he may be 30 years her junior or he looks just as neglectfully decrepit but in the kind of way that a once formally great castle grows into ruin and ends up looking like it's about to crumble at any minute..

..full of sorrow and regret at past glory's and more recent defeats Mrs H say "we weren't always like this you know" in a soft voice that shatters the room around you like bullets through glass and brings you right back to the here and now "we didn't always live like this" her voice trembles...full of heartbreak now...she looks around like the walls are about to break open and a ton of sordid lies are about to smother her in her own personal deceit...you get the feeling she's about to tell you something that she's wanted to tell for years...to tell someone...anyone that would listen....held it in for so Long that its killed her from the inside out...all but her eyes!!!,
"no we didn't always live like this....we used to be posh y'know,we used to have money...and plenty of it...but things change"...."everyone has been so kind to us"....her son shifts uneasily in his chair...like he's heard all this before but is uncomfortable with it being divulged to a once in a lifetime stranger who have no business knowing his business...or his mothers...she seems to sense that she has stepped over some invisible line....said a trifle to much...and she comes to her sense's...makes a full blooded but painful looking attempt to straighten up ....to unfurl years of tension from a weak and twisted spine that hasn't the bonds or will that it once did...

..i find myself thinking "is this it...is this all we have to look forward to....spending our last penny's that a close loved one left us on there departure from the mortal coil...to spend it on a new chair to ease our chronic spinal curvature that deforms us and twists us into a shuffling bag of broken will and bitter disappointment at life unjust way"....but i look again into her slate gray's....what's left to discover...that spark....it's hope and fortitude....from god only knows were....but thats what it is....how many time has life knocked this woman down...how many times has she clawed and clambered her way back up....and from what?.............maybe it's good that she stopped speaking...........good that the creak from her son's strained leather chair was so loud....under the load of excess weight on a frame designed to take much less....good that she....maybe for the last time....stopped those walls from breaking and devouring her and her secrets....maybe?....was she always like this?.....was her past before her secrets different?.....can i imagine her 60years younger at some ball?....the gents all suited and booted,drinking and smoking to the hearts content while all the time eyeing the opposition ....the lady's....shy but hopeful that somewhere in the throng and evening that lay before them there was a mister right to make everything.....right????....can i see Mrs H asked by a suited someone for a dance....turning the night away to sound of the time..high on the moment...happy to be whisked from pillar to post in the name of romance and love...or lust...which ever was socially easier....not right in the day but easier and more fulfilling in the moment?...yes i think i can......
"please Mrs H may i have this dance"

cliffs edge at midnight

I stand...open before me....vast nighttime lunar horizon.....stretches from my outstretched hands....out into eternity....




i can feel the very pull and push...the very ebb and tide of life...of existence...i feel it coursing through and into my palms,channeling up through my wrists...my forearms....charging my skin,my flesh beneath...the bone that structures my physical self...
  
i feel all of life's pleasurable pressure passing like wave after wave of pure unadulterated neurological energy...filling my solar plexus....my heart....my bundle of hiz....my mind...my hypothalamus.....cerebral cortex firing off on all cylinders...
synapses clicking...creating possibilities...analysing a thousand thoughts a second...proving and then disproving secular concepts and metaphysical conundrums that flow like a raging river of cosmic energy through and around and into my brain....
 bending...snapping....obliterating every shred of soft jelly like gray matter that holds itself upright and proper inside my skull....that sits on its axis atop the curvaceously strong spinal column that holds and protects the central channel of nerves that carry every sense...every impulse...every action and reaction and single signal  that i will ever experience in my short insignificant life.....




.i stand...open before me....vast bright and clear....moonlit expanse....opening before my eye's....i stand there seconds before my eye's closed,feeling the breeze across my back and chest arms held out straight.....open....the cool night air bringing me suddenly to life...my eye's burst open...like i have had a shot of adrenaline thrust in my beating heart....
and i stand in this state...wide eyed and gaping at the scene unfolding before me.....shaking...trembling...bare chested....my legs quaking...feet feeling the cold wet grass beneath me....the slightly damp soil....it's weight pressing down,putting pressure on the rock below it...that in turn putting it's own weight and pressure back upwards onto my soles....thought the soil,the grass....my skin....
  
as i stand on this cliff edge....waiting silently...patiently thoughtout eternity almost waiting for this very second....for my to awaken here and stand in awe....
the blackened sky above me....diamond pin holes of light a billion light years away....yet somehow completely connected and interconnected thoughout the space of the universe...and yet again connected with me...
  
stood on this cliffedge....the sound of the crashing waves far below me....though as i listen i find i can't hear them....
i hear the rush of blood in my ears....that and the deafening overpowering, all encompassing sound of silence....

the sudden awareness of the depth of the impending fall in front of me bringing with it the enlightening and temporal awareness of the fragility of the physical human skeletal form...

a single step....gravity accelerating....pulling me down to those silent crushing...rolling waves and hard cold rocks....

  

beyond this brittle...bleeding...viscous...and visceral there is an everlasting eternal reverberating...resonating soul that cannot be killed...hurt...robbed or abused and that can be relied upon at anytime and is capable of love and kindness and will never....never...never stop....

so stare out into that eternal void and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the void stares endlessly...unceasingly....eternally....back into you.


Lee....